Tag Archives: romance


Dear Steve,
My marriage is on the rocks. I’ve been a Steve (desireless, excellent and retreating) for all of the 15 years I’ve known this woman. I spent most of the time ignoring her, having no desire for her, and being excellent at golf. About 8 months ago she turned totally Steve and is ignoring me, has no desire for sex, and is incredibly excellent at making tons of money. Of course, I now totally want her!

So, my question is… is there life after Steve? I’ve seen the errors of my ways and now it seems as though it’s too late to get her back. Do I once again start thinking about the single life? I’m 53 and Scared Shitless… but my handicap has never been better!!
Thanks for a very cool movie…!
R in CA

First, a warning to all you cynics – the next two paragraphs are an earnest response to R’s letter, devoid of any comedy bits. Moreover, the remaining paragraphs consist largely of self-indulgent ramblings about love and politics.

Write your wife a letter. Tell her you woke up and realized what you’ve been missing. Tell her that anyone who could take her for granted doesn’t deserve her, and ask for her forgiveness. Include a list of the ten best things about her that nobody else would know. Tell her you lust for her more now than you did when you met.

Surprise her with a romantic dinner and a gift (something more symbolic than expensive – after all, she has her own money). Does she like poetry? Get her a book of poems. If you don’t already know the perfect gift, do some research. Find out what she would really want and not get for herself. At dinner, give her the letter along with the gift. Then humbly thank her for letting you spend so many years in her company, and tell her that your happiest thought is the prospect of spending many years to come with her. Good luck.

There’s an important lesson here, not just for you, but for Obama. One must not take anything for granted, be it a beautiful wife or crucial electoral votes. As I write this column, the election is still in doubt. 250 million Americans could be thrust into a Constitutional crisis. Hopefully, you and your wife will work things out. Either way, it shouldn’t affect the stock market.

I don’t want to get all loopy-loo and Yoda-like, but I think this election is a wonderful, divine reminder of something crucially important that we often forget. Everything counts, everything matters. Whether it’s votes, or small demonstrations of appreciation and affection.

Pay attention to the little things. Jesus says that every jot and tittle will be accounted for. Honestly, I have never seen a jot, though I think I’ve seen a tittle or two. Seriously, I believe what Jesus means with the whole jot thing is this: every single one of your thoughts and actions matters, and when you die, you’ll have to watch them all on video tape.

I spend most of my days thinking about me and things related to me, and the Washington Redskins. Like R, I have ignored some wonderful women I have dated. Like me, I’m sure that you’ve asked yourself, ”what if I had just said something nice here and there, or told her more often that I love her, or any other spontaneous act of love?” I’m sure Obama has asked himself, “what if I had more barbecues,” or “what if I had worn a yellow tie?”

Appreciating people every day is cool. Looking back with regret and remorse really sucks.


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Grow Up

Dear Steve,
A little over a year ago, I met a guy on a chat line and we started talking a lot, like everyday. We got along great and had a lot in common. We had sent pictures to one another via e-mail, so we kind of knew what we looked like. We talked to each other for months. We wanted to meet, but I kept putting it off, because I guess I’m insecure and was scared he wouldn’t like me. Not that I should be, because I believe (and am told a lot) that I am a intelligent, beautiful woman. I don’t know – just scared I guess. Anyway, I lost my chance when I no longer had access to my computer and got out of touch with him.
Okay, so now I started a new job about 3 months ago and found out that one of my co-workers is closely related to him and I was so excited that I might get to finally meet him. So, I told her to tell him I said “hi.” I waited two weeks for her to tell me what he said or what his response was, but she never said anything and I didn’t want to seem too desperate by asking. Then, one morning, she says that it was too bad that I was late one morning to work because he was here at work to see his cousin and to meet me. I was shocked, but acted normal by saying, “oh, too bad – I could have finally met him.” Then, I told her to tell him to call me. I didn’t give her a personal number, but he should know the number to where we work, because she works with me and he could ask her for it, right? So now it’s been two weeks and no phone call or visit. Is he not interested or what? What can I do to find out for sure what he wants to do with our friendship, without looking like I’m desperate or a stalker? I thought he would be so excited to find me again. I really liked him even to the point of falling in love even though we never met. I thought he felt the same, because of conversations that we had and him sometimes referring to the future in a positive way.
Please tell me what I should do!

I don’t know why, but I had to take an aspirin after reading your letter. It was like a foreign film, only without the pictures (which isn’t a good thing). As for your internet dude, forget him. I don’t think he’s interested. Either that, or he’s in a coma. Of course, people hate to let go of things – especially potential romantic partners. So, I’ve thought of a few things you might do.
1- Become friends with your co-worker. Slowly insinuate yourself into her life. Eventually, you’ll be invited to a party that your internet dude will also attend. Then, walk over to him at the party (a real sexy walk) and tell him that you really enjoyed chatting with him and that you would like to chat some more and possibly have sex.
2- Look for his address in the phone book. Then, hang around outside his house. Follow him around. Find out if he’s dating someone else. If he is, you can finally let go of him. Or, you could kill his pet rabbit.
3- Place a small, electronic recording device in your co-worker’s purse. When she comes into work every day, take the recording device out of her purse and listen to it in the bathroom. Before the end of the day, put the recording device back in her purse. One day, she might have a conversation about you with Mr. Internet (while carrying her purse). Then, you can hear what he thinks about you.
4- If he has a therapist, you could break into the therapist’s office, steal his file, and see if he talked about you (Richard Nixon tried that one).
5- Pass him a note in class. Draw two boxes on the note. Write “check this box if you like me” next to one of the boxes. Write “check this box if you don’t” next to the other box.
6- Grow up, call him, and ask him how he feels.

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