Tag Archives: men


Dear Steve,
An old friend told me that she dates two types of men: 1) Men who are too good for her, and 2) Men who she really loves, but somehow messes things up with. She then proceeds to say that I fall into neither category… What does that mean? I have been trying to figure out this one for a couple of weeks. If her theory is that both kinds of men are wrong for her, then shouldn’t I be the one who’s with her? And why would she tell me that if she says she only wants to be friends?

You’re making this way more complicated than it is. I don’t want to be harsh, but let me spell it out for you – she’s not interested. When a woman tells you that she only wants to be friends, what she’s really saying is, “I only want to be friends.” If you can’t accept that, you’re like a thirsty guy in the desert who thinks a palm tree is really a water fountain. For whatever reason (probably because you’re not edgy enough), you’re not on her sexual playing field. She dates two types of men, and you’re not either of them (I would take that as a very big hint). I don’t think she was sending you some kind of subliminal message that you two should be together.

You need to be very honest with yourself. Do you want to hang out with a woman to whom you are attracted, knowing she’s not attracted to you? Some guys think, “if she just spends enough time with me, I’ll win her over with my sparkly personality.” Or maybe, you just really want to be friends and you think you can let go of your desire for her. Good luck.

This is one of the great conflicts between Womanus Americanus and Dudus Americanus. Let me explain. Man and woman are hanging out. Man likes woman. The woman doesn’t like the man (in that way). The woman says, “let’s just be friends”. The man has two options.

First option, the man can say, “sorry, I don’t think I could deal with that” (the right choice). To which the woman responds, “well then, I guess you never really liked me, because if you really liked me, you would want to be my friend, even if we’re not going to have sex.” Or perhaps she’ll respond with the classic, “that’s so immature.” There’s also, “come one, we have fun together, we can still have fun together.” Worst of all is, “if we had sex, it would ruin our friendship.”

Have you ever noticed that when one of your female friends is attracted to you, she’s never worried about sex messing up your friendship?

Option two, the man can say, “sure, let’s be friends.” Thus begins the slow descent into madness. It starts with an annoying inner argument between two parts of your brain. Part one says, “sure, I can be her friend, I’ll get over this attraction thing.” Part two says, “come on, you’re a guy, you’ll never get over it… maybe you can use this friend thing as a way to get into her pants.”

Every time you hang out with her, you think about how pretty she is and about how much you have in common. You begin to have imaginary conversations with her where she says that she really likes you and that you really should be together. Pretty soon, you’re writing sonnets about her. Next thing you know, just to be with her, you’re giving her a ride to another guy’s house and picking her up in the morning.

Did you know Richard Nixon used to drive his future wife, Pat, around on dates with other men? He said he was willing to do whatever it took to win her love. It worked for tricky Dick, but do you really want to use him as a role model?


Leave a comment

Filed under Advice, Dating, Politics

Prime: Part 1 (Estevan)

Dear Steve,
Okay, I’d like to dispel one of the biggest lies ever. As a 40 year old guy with lots of 40 year old male friends married to 40 year old women, let me make something really fucking clear. 40 year old men want sex every day and 40 year old women want it once a week at best. I’d love to find the asshole whose “study” showed the women hit their sexual prime in their 40’s and we hit ours at 19. I’d beat the piss out of him and I’d have a lot of help from other 40 year old dudes. The only appreciable difference I notice in
my sex drive is that I no longer have to jerk off at work – I can get through a full 10 hour work day without an orgasm. I think that’s good for business.
However, my wife is not (nor are those of any of my friends) lying spread-legged on ths sofa when I get home.
Estevan Yan

“Sexual Prime” is a misleading term. To most people, it suggests the ability to please one’s partner. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
After doing some research, I found out that “sexual prime” means different things for men and women. Researchers determine a man’s sexual prime based on the frequency and firmness of his erections, but they determine a woman’s sexual prime based on how satisfying she finds her sexual experiences. That’s right, they use biologal standards to determine a man’s sexual prime, and sociological standards to determine a woman’s.
Here are some facts…
For men and women alike, sex drive is strongly tied to male hormones (testosterone, androgen). These hormone levels are highest in teenagers of both sexes. As people get older, the hormone levels fall. While male desire is greatly affected by adolescent hormone surges, female desire is not. For women, sexual responsiveness and activity is largely determined by psychodynamic factors like personal confidence, a sense of empowerment, trust in their partners, etc. In surveys, women report those feelings reach their peek in the early to mid thirties (the actual sexual prime of a woman – not her forties). Women have sex more often in their twenties, but achieve orgasm more frequently in their thirties and beyond.
So, your forty year old wife may be in her sexual prime (or just past it), but that doesn’t mean you’re going to have any more sexual fun. It just means that, on those rare occasions you do have sex, she is more likely to have an orgasm. I bet that makes you feel a lot better. Maybe you should buy a bottle of hand lotion to keep at work (just in case).
You have to wonder who paid for this study – I think it was Ms. Magazine. Seriously, you have a bunch of guys with electrodes strapped to their dicks, measuring how often they get a boner – then, in the other room, you have a bunch of scientists asking women “was it good for you?”
If you’re measuring a guy’s sexual prime based on his chubby production, 19 year olds are going to win. When you’re 19, you’ve got a perma-woody. Remember how embarrassed you were to have a big old boner in the middle of math class? Where were all the hot, forty year old women then? I have to take my hat off to the woman who came up with this whole thing – judging a guy’s prime based on his willy-stiffness and a girl’s prime based on whether or not she gets off. Honestly, researchers determine a woman’s prime by asking her when she reached her prime? Does that sound intellectually rigorous to you?

“I thought that was funny because every woman, the women who looked like they were in their 30’s said the 30’s were the best. The women who looked like they were in the 40’s said the 40’s were best.”
-Dr. Laura Berman

What if we reversed the parameters of the study? What if a woman’s sexual prime was determined by biological factors, like vaginal lubrication – while a man’s sexual prime was determined by how often he orgasmed during sex? Then, a woman’s prime would be 19 and a man’s would be 12-80. I hope this helped.

Leave a comment

Filed under Advice, Sex

Cave Guy

Dear Steve,
1) Why don’t they call when they say they’re going to call?
2) My semi/non-boyfriend & I have a treaty whereby we each have the option of seeing other people. The problem is this: he casually mentions other women (e.g. having lunch with them) but doesn’t say anything about who they are or if such encounters are dates. And this is not in the normal flow of conversation — he definitely brings up these incidents on his own initiative.
The prevailing theory is he’s baiting me to see how I’ll react, possibly because he’s insecure about my feelings for him. So far, I’ve given no reaction nor requested further details (my view is the only way the treaty will work is if we proceed with willful blindness as to the other’s activities). I like him but we’re not ready to be exclusive (thus, the treaty). Why do you think he does this and what, if anything, do I do about it? Sure, I could just ask him, but that would be far too healthy.
– Dazed and Confused

Let’s start with the first question, which is older than the pyramids. Back in cave man times, after a caveguy and a cavechick slept together, the caveguy would say, “I’ll leave you a cave drawing, and let you know when we can get together again.” The cavechick would check the cave walls for days, but no cave drawing would appear. Finally, weeks later, she would find a cave drawing of some wooly mammoth being chased by a bunch of guys with spears. She would then try to deconstruct the meaning of the cave drawing (much like modern day archaeologists). The actual meaning of the cave drawing is, “I’m gonna be hanging with my friends, chasing water buffalo.” What does this have to do with your question? I’m not entirely sure, but I think there must be some connection.

Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Advice, Dating, Philosophy

Beer Brat

Mr. Steve,
First off, I’d like to say that your wit, practicality, and directness are refreshing. Very few people, as you know, say it like it is in the Love arena, so bravo! Here is my self-pitying question:
I am a young (early twenties) woman, and have, after a traumatic heartbreak four years ago, had a strange brew of luck in the area of love. One could analyze my past and come up with various psychological reasons for my current delima, but I don’t want to hear that crap; I’ve already been there and done that, worked through my shit so-to-say. I want it to be laid flat out on the table in your style.
(Though the following may come accross as conceited, egotistical, etc., I am no such thing and am just stating the facts).
I’ve been reinforced throughout my life, that I am a beautiful woman physically and so on. I take care of myself and feel highly confident that I am a damb good catch. I’m educated, witty, enjoyable company to the majority of people I meet, I’m open-minded, adventurous, affectionate. I love sex. I love to laugh and appreciate excentric humor. I’m laid back, calm, an excellent listener, talented, strong and independent yet very feminine. I’m a deep thinker and feeler, but I’m also very practical and therefore, can understand some of the male sexs’ frustrations with relationships and women.
(For example: I despise Shania Twain’s song “Any Man of Mine” because it represents a woman that no man (knowingly) should put up with!)
I have high standards of men in relationships because I’ve experienced the good stuff and, psychologically speaking, have a strong relationship with my father and brother, who are outstanding representations of the male sex. I don’t believe I should settle and be in an unhealthy relationship just to prevent loneliness and curb social pressures of inadequecy.
So… my question is, why the hell am I not saught after like a beer Brautwerst? I rarely get approached or hit on and I’ve been single for a bit longer than I’d like. Do high-caliber men exist out there and, if so, do they ever come out of the woodwork? Are the men who hit on women aggressively, perceptive enough to be intimidated by a high-caliber woman? Have I been fooled, by myself and others, into believing that I am all of the above things, including attractive, all my life? The questions could go on, but I think you get my point.
If you have any response to this, spill it out in big bold letters for me in your next column.
Thanks for your time and divine wisdom. Keep up your smashing style!
Beer Braut Woman

Every Wednesday, the High-Caliber Men’s Club meets at the Alamo Palomino Lounge to discuss high caliber stuff. Last week, they allowed me to attend.
First, there was an interesting discussion about what defines a high-caliber woman. Eventually, everyone agreed on three qualities that are most important… humility, courage and good spelling.
Next, I asked the group if they were perceptive enough to be intimidated by high-caliber women. They laughed a lot. Then, they explained the Female Myth of Intimidation. Sometimes, when a woman isn’t pursued by men, she tells herself it’s because men are intimidated by her. It’s like when a guy gets rejected and blames it on lesbianism. Or, when a fox can’t get any grapes, then decides they’re probably sour anyway. In fact, high caliber men aren’t intimidated by anything (except marriage and the IRS). However, low-caliber and medium-caliber men are intimidated by models, actresses and women who use big words.
Finally, the group discussed hypocrisy. Evidently, there are many women who want political, economic and social equality, but don’t want to risk getting rejected by asking a guy out. Evidently, these passive women wait for men to approach them As every man knows, confronting your fear of rejection requires courage. It’s difficult to consider a woman equal, let alone high-caliber, if she’s unable to face the rejection that the average 16 year-old boy faces every day. This discussion made me think about your situation. Maybe, you could stop waiting for men to hit on you, and you could start hitting on men. It’s a damb good idea.

1 Comment

Filed under Advice, Dating, Love