Tag Archives: football

Lesbians and The City Different

Like most good people, I hate the Dallas Cowboys. A few years ago, Robert Altman made a film with a gay character who wanted to be a Cowboys’ cheerleader. When the Cowboys discovered the character’s sexual orientation, they refused to let her wear their uniform in the film (which is strange, considering half their players are gay). Despite the fact that, on an almost yearly basis, the Dallas Cowboys stand by some player who’s charged with sexual assault or drug possession, their organization refuses to be associated with homosexuality. Some people are just intolerant. To be honest, I would have been disappointed if the Cowboys’ hadn’t acted like the narrow-minded, hypocritical bastards we all know they are.
MTV, on the other hand, is way more open-minded. Years ago, they televised a performance by the Russian band T.A.T.U. – two hot lesbians who perform in their underwear and make out on stage (they’re really great). During their performance, a hundred teenagers wearing Catholic school-girl uniforms ran onto the stage. As T.A.T.U sang, the hundred girls ripped off their shirts and skirts and started making out with each other in their underwear (it was a really great show). Obviously, this was filmed in Manhattan, because New Yorkers are super tolerant and they embrace lesbians and stuff. As we watched, my friend Kevin said, “they would never do this with a hundred teenage boys – making out with each other in their underwear.” This is true.
Cinemax is a lot like MTV. Cinemax usually runs a soft-core porn movie each night (according to my friend Bill, not me). One thing I’ve noticed… I mean, one thing Bill noticed, is that each movie has at least one scene with two girls having sex. It’s like a requirement or something. However, Bill has never seen two dudes making out on Cinemax… unless it was an art movie. Even mainstream television commercials regularly feature a lesbian subtext – like the Miller Lite ad with two hotties fighting in a water fountain.
It’s not just modern America that’s more comfortable with gay women than gay men. Last night, I saw a program on the Nazi’s campaign against homosexuals. Evidently, they were much more concerned about gay men than gay women. Yes, the Nazis persecuted lesbians, but not with the same fervor reserved for gay men. Apparently, even the Nazis could handle a little lesbian action (which makes them slightly more tolerant than the Dallas Cowboys).
It’s seems reasonable to ask the question – “why are people more comfortable with female gay sex than male gay sex?” Some people have complicated theories about gender power structures, but I think it’s something more simple – people are freaked out by butt sex. When I wrote about that topic, it caused quite a controversy. Some people complained about the language, which seems odd, considering I’ve always had a potty mouth and its often been worse. Most people were offended by the subject matter (things in butts, things near butts, rim jobs, etc.). By most people, I mean some readers, some friends, some girls I’ve dated, and the publisher of this paper. I even offended myself. Someone told me that’s because I’m a Sagittarius with Virgo rising. Evidently, Sagittarians are outspoken and skanky, while Virgos are reserved and prudish – which means half of me is always offending the other half.
I’m not surprised that I offended myself, because I’m a pretty conservative guy. But, I was surprised that I offended so many liberals in Santa Fe. I mean, this is the City Different, right? Santa Fe is an alternative town for alternative people, and the Santa Fe Reporter is the alternative newspaper. The truth is, while Santa Fe is politically progressive, it’s as sexually repressed as Victorian England. We can celebrate alternative sexuality (witness the Gay Pride parade), but we can’t handle an open discussion about sexual alternatives (rim jobs).
Okay, I’ll stop writing about that stuff. I may be immature and sarcastic, but I’m not stupid.
Finally, while I sympathize with people concerned that children might read my column, please consider this: children need constant supervision, regardless of what I say about butt sex. There are a thousand terrible things that can happen to an unsupervised child – like watching porn on Cinemax , running into the street, using handguns, or growing up to be a Cowboys fan.

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Menu Anxiety Disorder

Dear Steve,
I don’t know what I want from life, especially from a woman. I don’t know if I want a blonde or a brunette, a French girl or a Japanese girl, long hair, short hair, a nice girl or a mean girl… you name it. Are there exercises I can do to help me learn what I want, like some kind of meditation thing, only not as hard as meditation? Seriously, I’m semi-miserable about my inability to make a decision about girls, like a decision about who I should pursue. I’ve been very fortunate to connect with women I like, I’m just never sure what I’m looking for, so I never commit to a girl. Then, a couple of years later, I find myself thinking about the “one that got away,” you know what I mean. How does anybody know what they want? Is it a chemical or genetic thing? Is it environmental? Do you know what you want?

I want the Redskins to crush the Cowboys on Monday Night Football. Then, I’d like a nice bowl of soup. The tomato soup at the Palace Restaurant in Santa Fe is the greatest soup I’ve ever had in my life. The first time I tasted it, I almost cried. I felt really good about my decision to order that soup. I didn’t spend a lot of time looking at other things on the menu – I just saw the soup and knew that I wanted it. I had faith in my decision, faith in the restaurant, and faith in the soup. You, my son, have no faith. You’re afraid you’ll order the wrong dish from the Girl Menu, because you don’t have faith in yourself, faith in the restaurant (God), or faith in the soup (women).
You have what I call Menu Anxiety Disorder (M.A.D. for short). Most people go into a restaurant with a good idea of what they want (meat or fish, sweet or sour), but MAD people have no idea what they want. They have to read everything on the menu (even the stuff they know they don’t like), they have to ask everyone else what they’re having (to prevent “food envy”), and they ask the wait person lots of annoying questions, hoping they’ll learn something to make the decision easier – “well, the calamari is good, but the risotto will make your dick bigger.”
What causes Menu Anxiety Disorder? Fear and desire. You’re such a greedy little monkey that you want everything, and this desire for everything makes it impossible for you to have anything, and in this way, desire disables you. Also, you’re afraid of making the wrong decision (“oh my god, what was I thinking, I should have had the risotto!”). The name for this tension (between desire and fear) is despair. You despair of what you want (“a blonde or a brunette”), and you despair of what might have been (“the one that got away”).

…it is possible to become lost in possibility in all sorts of ways, but primarily in two. The one takes the form of desiring, craving; the other takes the form of the melancholy-imaginary. Legends and fairy tales tell of the knight who suddenly sees a rare bird and chases after it, because it seems first to be very close; but it flies again, and when night comes, he finds himself separated from his companions and lost in the wilderness… So it is also with desire’s possibility. Instead of taking possibility back into necessity, he chases after possibility – and at last cannot find his way back to himself.
-Soren Kierkegaard, The Sickness Unto Death

That pretty much says it all; so let’s talk about me. A long time ago, I chose to love the Washington Redskins – that choice has brought me some pleasure, and a great deal of pain. Like last Sunday, when the Redskins lost to the New York Giants. That’s the problem with making choices. Sometimes, they can hurt. If you’re not prepared to be hurt, you’re not prepared to make choices (and you’re not prepared to be happy). The trick is this – having faith that you can survive your own choices.

The believer has the ever infallible antidote for despair – possibility – because for God everything is possible at every moment. This is the good health of faith that resolves contradictions. The contradiction here is that, humanly speaking, downfall is certain, but that there is [hope] nonetheless. 

-Soren Kierkegaard, ibid

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