Category Archives: Sex

Intercourse and Intimacy

Steve, Steve, Steve,
Alas, you have disappointed me in your response to Sara, the woman with blow-job issues. After you’ve won my respect and admiration, you had to go and blow it (actually, I don’t think you can compete with Dan Savage at the Village Voice, but that’s a different matter).
Anyway, straight to the point, let’s get to the head of the matter. Your argument for sexual intercourse being more “intimate” than oral sex, well, that is one thing that I just can’t swallow. I mean, what’s this thing about “intercourse can make children”? If you are going to use this argument, at least stick it in where someone won’t notice it, instead of putting it front and center, right out in the open like that, and please explain your reasoning. Have you ever considered that realm of sexual exchange that has been receiving headlines lately, ( namely the Texas sodomy case) or sex between members of the same gender? Now, we’re not talking about making children here, (unless the sex involves two lesbians, a turkey baster, and a sperm bank).
I know, I know, the question was from a hetero woman and she wanted a “straight” answer, but let’s face it Duncan, there are many men out there who have tasted the “love juice” in more ways than just from their lover’s mouth. And there are many men who would also cringe with embarrassment and homophobia to admit they had tasted their own cum while jacking off, and if they did admit it, they would qualify that act with being curious, not perhaps admitting their own seemingly perverted tendencies.
As for the term “intimacy,” as in trying to figure out which is more intimate, oral sex or just plain intercourse, let’s not even try to answer that in so few sentences. Just defining what intimacy means could take up more than your column has room for, (and is perhaps going too deep for your particular genre) an issue that you touched upon when you mentioned every person being “unique” in what they consider to be intimate, and in what constitutes their preferences. Let’s just say that your answer was limited, and I understand why, it is your opinion after all. But I also wouldn’t want any sexual “deviants” out there to feel left out of the conversation because, I for one, like to have a few more options, creative avenues, and roles that I might play than those presented in your column. If I was to understand your argument correctly, then I would assume that most same gender sex was not as intimate (whatever that means, since we haven’t defined it) as hetero sex.
Signed
-Can’t Understand Much

First, let’s start with Dan Savage. He receives letters like: “can I get athlete’s foot from masturbating into my sneaker” or “can I get an infection from letting a dog lick my pussy.” I have 600 letters asking why there are no decent men in Santa Fe. You do the math. Goo in the shoe is funny, women with high standards are not.
Second, intimacy is created in many different ways (sometimes, without any sex at all). I apologize to all the same gender couples, sexual deviants, and cum tasters – I validate and applaud your sexual choices. I should’ve said sexual intercourse is more “intense,” instead of more intimate (but you’d probably whine about that too).
It seems self-evident that a sex act that can, potentially, create a person, is more intense than one that cannot. Let’s say that sexual intercourse didn’t produce children, but it just produced household appliances. Wouldn’t that be more intense than sex that couldn’t produce appliances? If a microwave oven popped out of your butt nine months after some backdoor boning, wouldn’t that make the whole thing a little more intense (not to mention, more painful)? Isn’t creating a person as interesting as creating a toaster?

“That subtle knot which makes us man:
So must pure lovers’ souls descend
T’ affections, and to faculties,
Which sense may reach and apprehend,
Else a great Prince in prison lies.”

-The Extasy, John Donne

Yes, I think the horizontal bone-dance (“that subtle knot which makes us man”) is special and more intimate than oral sex. So sue me. Since you’re a person who likes to celebrate diversity – why can’t you celebrate the diversity of my opinion?

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Sexy Ugly

Dear Steve,
Why is it the men you’re least attracted to are the best in bed? (I had a male friend tell me once he only dated ugly women because beautiful women were lame in bed.)
-Andrea

I hope you’re not too disappointed, but this is the first time I’ve heard that theory. I can only speak from my own experience, and I have not found your theory to be true. That being said, I’ll attempt to explain your experience.

Possibility #1-
Unattractive people try harder. It’s always nice to be appreciated, and, perhaps, unattractive people are more appreciative. Conversely, it might be the case that beautiful people don’t try as hard. I can easily believe this. I have been with some gorgeous women who consider it a tremendous honor just to let you see them naked. That can be a bummer. Still, the best lover I ever had was an astro-babe. Which brings me to…

Possibility #2-
Maybe your friend is wrong. Maybe unattractive men make better lovers, but not necessarily unattractive women. Most men are so damn superficial that how a woman looks is still a big part of their whole sexual experience. Moreover, effort is more essential to a high quality male performance. Most guys I’ve talked to agree that they don’t require a great deal of effort from their partners in order to have a really great time (though it’s always nice). On the other hand, the women I talked to agreed that a little extra effort is always nice. I don’t know what it’s like to be a great looking guy, but I know that I’m lazy. If I thought I could get away with less effort because I was good looking, I’d probably do it.

Possibility #3-
I find it a little spooky that your friend only has sex with ugly women. I’m also a little uncomfortable with the term “ugly women”. Nonetheless, maybe your friend has better experiences with unattractive women because he feels less threatened by them. Maybe it gives him a feeling of control or power. It might be that he is better able to maintain emotional distance from a woman if he is not attracted to her. Any way you slice it, it kind of freaks me out.

Possibility #3A-
Maybe you have better experiences with unattractive men because you are less comfortable with a man you find attractive. Maybe it’s a fear of becoming too attached to someone. However, I’m inclined to believe that unattractive men, on the whole, make better lovers . I’m not going to find out for myself.

Possibility #4-
Maybe it’s some divine law meant to make life more fair. You either get to be good looking or good in bed. I would really like to believe this, but I can’t. A friend of mine is a model, and he has women lining up around the block at two o’clock in the morning. I don’t think it’s just because he’s good looking. You know what I mean?

The Bottom Line-
Brace yourself, I’m about to get pretty corny. I believe that 99% of the whole sexual dealy-bob is chemistry. It’s not a question of who’s a good lover, it’s a question of who’s a good lover for you. Back when I was a complete moron, I hooked up with this one girl because a friend of mine told me that she was the most spectacular lover in the universe. That was not my experience. Likewise, while some women have found me to be an adequate lover, others have sent me brochures with such titles as “How to regain your sex drive” and “Rediscovering your libido”. What works for one person usually doesn’t work for another. Pretty obvious, right?

Whoever your lover is, I suggest you tell him what you like, and what you don’t. It’s such a cliche, but communication is really important. If that doesn’t work, take one of those unattractive love-gods and treat him to a makeover.

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Lesbians and The City Different

Like most good people, I hate the Dallas Cowboys. A few years ago, Robert Altman made a film with a gay character who wanted to be a Cowboys’ cheerleader. When the Cowboys discovered the character’s sexual orientation, they refused to let her wear their uniform in the film (which is strange, considering half their players are gay). Despite the fact that, on an almost yearly basis, the Dallas Cowboys stand by some player who’s charged with sexual assault or drug possession, their organization refuses to be associated with homosexuality. Some people are just intolerant. To be honest, I would have been disappointed if the Cowboys’ hadn’t acted like the narrow-minded, hypocritical bastards we all know they are.
MTV, on the other hand, is way more open-minded. Years ago, they televised a performance by the Russian band T.A.T.U. – two hot lesbians who perform in their underwear and make out on stage (they’re really great). During their performance, a hundred teenagers wearing Catholic school-girl uniforms ran onto the stage. As T.A.T.U sang, the hundred girls ripped off their shirts and skirts and started making out with each other in their underwear (it was a really great show). Obviously, this was filmed in Manhattan, because New Yorkers are super tolerant and they embrace lesbians and stuff. As we watched, my friend Kevin said, “they would never do this with a hundred teenage boys – making out with each other in their underwear.” This is true.
Cinemax is a lot like MTV. Cinemax usually runs a soft-core porn movie each night (according to my friend Bill, not me). One thing I’ve noticed… I mean, one thing Bill noticed, is that each movie has at least one scene with two girls having sex. It’s like a requirement or something. However, Bill has never seen two dudes making out on Cinemax… unless it was an art movie. Even mainstream television commercials regularly feature a lesbian subtext – like the Miller Lite ad with two hotties fighting in a water fountain.
It’s not just modern America that’s more comfortable with gay women than gay men. Last night, I saw a program on the Nazi’s campaign against homosexuals. Evidently, they were much more concerned about gay men than gay women. Yes, the Nazis persecuted lesbians, but not with the same fervor reserved for gay men. Apparently, even the Nazis could handle a little lesbian action (which makes them slightly more tolerant than the Dallas Cowboys).
It’s seems reasonable to ask the question – “why are people more comfortable with female gay sex than male gay sex?” Some people have complicated theories about gender power structures, but I think it’s something more simple – people are freaked out by butt sex. When I wrote about that topic, it caused quite a controversy. Some people complained about the language, which seems odd, considering I’ve always had a potty mouth and its often been worse. Most people were offended by the subject matter (things in butts, things near butts, rim jobs, etc.). By most people, I mean some readers, some friends, some girls I’ve dated, and the publisher of this paper. I even offended myself. Someone told me that’s because I’m a Sagittarius with Virgo rising. Evidently, Sagittarians are outspoken and skanky, while Virgos are reserved and prudish – which means half of me is always offending the other half.
I’m not surprised that I offended myself, because I’m a pretty conservative guy. But, I was surprised that I offended so many liberals in Santa Fe. I mean, this is the City Different, right? Santa Fe is an alternative town for alternative people, and the Santa Fe Reporter is the alternative newspaper. The truth is, while Santa Fe is politically progressive, it’s as sexually repressed as Victorian England. We can celebrate alternative sexuality (witness the Gay Pride parade), but we can’t handle an open discussion about sexual alternatives (rim jobs).
Okay, I’ll stop writing about that stuff. I may be immature and sarcastic, but I’m not stupid.
Finally, while I sympathize with people concerned that children might read my column, please consider this: children need constant supervision, regardless of what I say about butt sex. There are a thousand terrible things that can happen to an unsupervised child – like watching porn on Cinemax , running into the street, using handguns, or growing up to be a Cowboys fan.

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Prime: Part 2

Dear Steve,
(I composed this gesticulation after an amorous moment or two on my futon with myself and thoughts of your blog from the most recent posts. This is my first time writing in. Please be kind…)
I cannot vouch for the rest of the women out there, but I must confess something: I think I have the sexual appetite of a sixteen year old boy. Now, I was never a sixteen year old boy, but I have always been keenly aware of my libido. I spill my guts so that people will sit up and listen to what I have to say. (and yes, I’m single. and yes, I do live in a dry desert of barren love). It is my suspicion that more women than you think follow my suit. The mystery lies in why they cannot let their juices flow until a good decade or two of sexual experience. Your statement regarding the factors enabling a woman’s sexual prime to flourish hints at this issue; however, I feel that it deserves a little more time and focus.
Why is it that sex is regarded by most people as penetration? Please keep in mind that I am not pointing the finger, rather I am trying to bring to light a perception that riddles even my (I like to think) open mind. Throughout years of discussions with old and young alike, I have come to see that people in my generation (20-30 yrs) consider sex to depend upon penile penetration and all other forms are merely foreplay or kinky (depending on who you are). What is this? Why is sex so dependent upon the penis? What about two women having sex? Does it really count? -of course… and that is what starts a conceptual (ha ha) (r)evolution. Anyway, I digress. My point is that maybe women take so long to reach their sexual peak because they have to grapple with the cultural constraints of sexual patriarchy. -have i just coined a phrase? Anyway, I realise that I am taking a leap with this statement, so hopefully you can fill in some of the blanks; and please understand that I’m not blaming men. But I think we need to have some understanding about this issue so that repairs and (hopefully) evolution can happen. And maybe then I can finally meet some man that turns me on and we can have sex outdoors like the rabbits.
I thank you in letting me remain anonymous…

I’m pretty sure you’re not the first person to use the term ‘sexual patriarchy.’ Many people believe men are responsible for repressing female sexual desire. History is full of examples that would support that theory, but I doubt men are responsible for female sexual repression in modern America.
Many people form their attitudes about sex as teenagers. Recently, a study was done on teenage sexuality and some of the results are very interesting. Researchers found that teenage girls who abstain from sexual activity have higher self-esteem than girls who don’t abstain. One reason a sexually active teenage girl might have low self-esteem is that she is often labeled a ‘slut.’ Moreover, researchers discovered the people most likely to call her a “slut” are other teenage girls.
This brings me to the question, why can’t women “let their juices flow until a good decade or two of sexual experience?” Perhaps, it’s because of the social pressure to be chaste that is exerted largely by other teenage girls. I seriously doubt that many teenage boys are pressuring girls not to be sexual. For that matter, I doubt there are many middle-aged men pressuring women not to be sexual. Why would we? Guys love sexually liberated women. We love them and we want to date them. When I hear someone criticizing a woman’s sexuality, it’s almost always another woman.
As for your question, ‘why is sex regarded by most people as penetration’ – I’m not sure most people do regard sex as merely penetration, and if they do, I don’t know why. I think anything that makes you shoot your wad is sex. Just kidding. Seriously, anything can be sex – holding hands, dancing,, playing Battleship. Even writing a column can be sex, especially if people think about it while they’re masturbating.

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The Tao of Love Dating Game

Two months ago, I started the Tao of Love Dating Game. Our first contestant was Marsha – an uber-hottie who works in the Governor’s office (you should see her in shorts… ouch). Anyway, only ten guys responded to the opportunity to date Marsha. I was shocked and disappointed. Many women I spoke to had the same theory about this – “men in Santa Fe are just too passive, if you chose a guy [as Bachelor of the Month], you’d get hundreds of letters from women.”
Last week, I did choose a guy. And guess what – ZERO RESPONSES. Okay, he said he wanted a woman who looked good naked, but it was a joke! And yes, he said he liked blowing things up, but that was also a joke. A careful reader would have noticed he wanted a woman with a “sense of irony.” I think that’s the problem. I know that Santa Fe is full of women who look good naked, but I’m not sure there are many with a sense of irony, let alone a sense of humor. Has political correctness eliminated comedy altogether?
I wonder what what he should have written… “looking for a woman who wants to explore life’s adventure together,” or “looking for a woman who shares my love of cats,” or maybe “looking for a woman who doesn’t like to make jokes about blowing things up.”
Perhaps Santa Fe is full of light-hearted women who can take a joke. So, why the lack of responses? Could it be that women in Santa Fe are even more passive than men? I think so. I continue to be amazed by how many women don’t pursue men (aside from lesbians). One of the brightest, hottest women I know told me something incredible recently – she said she has to choose from among the men who pursue her. Can you believe it? She’s smart enough to know that men have worse judgement than women, yet she’s giving men control, rather than taking control herself. What’s up with that?
Now, for some letters…

Dear Duncan,
I’m writing to tell you and your readers that you CAN, I repeat, CAN find Love in Santa Fe. A friend of mine asked me (well, actually begged me) to go to the singles party back in February that was hosted by the SF Reporter. I didn’t really want to go, in fact I may have even said something along the lines of “only freaks and geeks go to these things!!” But somehow she convinced me that we would have a “terrific” time, and off we went. Well, to my surprise we did have a terrific time, I couldn’t believe how much fun it was — and the Soul Decons rocked the house!! During the evening (after collecting more than my share of FREE condoms) I just happened to meet the most incredible guy. We danced and danced and danced! It was fabulous!
Now, two months later we are still dating, still dancing, and still having a fabulous time together. I don’t think meeting people in Santa Fe is all that difficult, but what I believe is difficult, is meeting someone you totally click with, someone special enough to fall in love with. But it can happen, and it has. My advice to everyone is to keep an open mind, a good attitude, and for goodness sakes try new things!! Go ahead and go to that “freaks and geeks” party, you just never know who you might meet.
-Love’N Santa Fe!

Truly, there’s nothing more attractive than a girl with a handful of condoms.

Dear Steve,
I just moved to the City Different after graduating from college this summer, and while I’ve quickly developed a taste for posole, sopapillas, and green chile, I haven’t become completely accomodated to Santa Fe. The problem I have in mind is appropriate to your column, but rather lower-level than your usual grist – to wit, how does one meet people around here? The volunteer opportunities I’ve tried have yielded quite a few high school students and retirees, but I’m 22 and, as I said, fresh out of school. Is there anything around for us late Gen-X and early Gen-Y kids?
Thanks!

Frankly, I’m too old to know. However, I think it’s very sad that volunteer work has become all about helping people and not about scoring with twentysomething babes

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Prime: Part 1 (Estevan)

Dear Steve,
Okay, I’d like to dispel one of the biggest lies ever. As a 40 year old guy with lots of 40 year old male friends married to 40 year old women, let me make something really fucking clear. 40 year old men want sex every day and 40 year old women want it once a week at best. I’d love to find the asshole whose “study” showed the women hit their sexual prime in their 40’s and we hit ours at 19. I’d beat the piss out of him and I’d have a lot of help from other 40 year old dudes. The only appreciable difference I notice in
my sex drive is that I no longer have to jerk off at work – I can get through a full 10 hour work day without an orgasm. I think that’s good for business.
However, my wife is not (nor are those of any of my friends) lying spread-legged on ths sofa when I get home.
Sincerely,
Estevan Yan

“Sexual Prime” is a misleading term. To most people, it suggests the ability to please one’s partner. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
After doing some research, I found out that “sexual prime” means different things for men and women. Researchers determine a man’s sexual prime based on the frequency and firmness of his erections, but they determine a woman’s sexual prime based on how satisfying she finds her sexual experiences. That’s right, they use biologal standards to determine a man’s sexual prime, and sociological standards to determine a woman’s.
Here are some facts…
For men and women alike, sex drive is strongly tied to male hormones (testosterone, androgen). These hormone levels are highest in teenagers of both sexes. As people get older, the hormone levels fall. While male desire is greatly affected by adolescent hormone surges, female desire is not. For women, sexual responsiveness and activity is largely determined by psychodynamic factors like personal confidence, a sense of empowerment, trust in their partners, etc. In surveys, women report those feelings reach their peek in the early to mid thirties (the actual sexual prime of a woman – not her forties). Women have sex more often in their twenties, but achieve orgasm more frequently in their thirties and beyond.
So, your forty year old wife may be in her sexual prime (or just past it), but that doesn’t mean you’re going to have any more sexual fun. It just means that, on those rare occasions you do have sex, she is more likely to have an orgasm. I bet that makes you feel a lot better. Maybe you should buy a bottle of hand lotion to keep at work (just in case).
You have to wonder who paid for this study – I think it was Ms. Magazine. Seriously, you have a bunch of guys with electrodes strapped to their dicks, measuring how often they get a boner – then, in the other room, you have a bunch of scientists asking women “was it good for you?”
If you’re measuring a guy’s sexual prime based on his chubby production, 19 year olds are going to win. When you’re 19, you’ve got a perma-woody. Remember how embarrassed you were to have a big old boner in the middle of math class? Where were all the hot, forty year old women then? I have to take my hat off to the woman who came up with this whole thing – judging a guy’s prime based on his willy-stiffness and a girl’s prime based on whether or not she gets off. Honestly, researchers determine a woman’s prime by asking her when she reached her prime? Does that sound intellectually rigorous to you?

“I thought that was funny because every woman, the women who looked like they were in their 30’s said the 30’s were the best. The women who looked like they were in the 40’s said the 40’s were best.”
-Dr. Laura Berman

What if we reversed the parameters of the study? What if a woman’s sexual prime was determined by biological factors, like vaginal lubrication – while a man’s sexual prime was determined by how often he orgasmed during sex? Then, a woman’s prime would be 19 and a man’s would be 12-80. I hope this helped.

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Marx

Dear Steve –
Thank you for putting yourself out there for public flogging every week. 

I’m a year 55 year-old single hetero woman, living in Santa Fe for 27 years. I love men and often give and get great sex when the opportunity presents. I wish I could be a lesbian because, from what I’ve observed, I think I might have a better chance at a meaningful relationship and great sex too, but I can’t seem to bond with more than my cat, who gives me no sex at all but will sleep with me every night.

18 years ago, I had a conversation with a hetero male friend and I remarked that there seemed to be no available hetero men in town and he jumped on the comment saying ‘Oh, no, the problem is that there are no women here’ which allowed us to see that the problem was with us – not with actual supply of men and women. I was blown away. He found his first partner only a year ago and they just now bought a little house together.

All these years later, I still don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I have done work on myself. There is obviously more to be done or I would be ‘fixed’ by now. And yeah, it smarts that he got what I want. Being alone doesn’t hurt like it used to, and I am resigned to it because actively seeking a partner doesn’t seem to work. I work with the public in a fun retail situation and speak with men all the time that appeal to me, but I feel no connection happening.

Enough of my bitching – I think people that fail to connect w/others wind up in a place like Santa Fe. I have observed that we seem to have a constantly growing contingent of independent, intelligent, creative, tenacious, and overly-concerned-with-self individualists. I think many believe they need to be self-centered to accomplish whatever it is they need to do, and that doesn’t leave much room for anyone else no matter how lonely it gets. I include myself from this group.

And then there are the ones who are never without a partner, even though the partners change. What’s up w/that?

Thanks for your journalistic integrity in staying true to your beliefs. Fuck ‘em if they can’t let the rest of us laugh. And thanks for defining ‘rim job’.
-Just “Another child growing old”, to quote ol’ Joni Mitchell.

First, some people are always in a relationship because they’re rich, or funny, or attractive, or well-adusted, or have no personal boundaries whatsoever and sleep with anything that moves (and no, I’m not necessarily talking about myself). Second, I think it’s good that you’re not having sex with your cat and I recommend you keep it that way. Continue reading

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