Category Archives: Politics

Romance

Dear Steve,
My marriage is on the rocks. I’ve been a Steve (desireless, excellent and retreating) for all of the 15 years I’ve known this woman. I spent most of the time ignoring her, having no desire for her, and being excellent at golf. About 8 months ago she turned totally Steve and is ignoring me, has no desire for sex, and is incredibly excellent at making tons of money. Of course, I now totally want her!

So, my question is… is there life after Steve? I’ve seen the errors of my ways and now it seems as though it’s too late to get her back. Do I once again start thinking about the single life? I’m 53 and Scared Shitless… but my handicap has never been better!!
Thanks for a very cool movie…!
Signed,
R in CA

First, a warning to all you cynics – the next two paragraphs are an earnest response to R’s letter, devoid of any comedy bits. Moreover, the remaining paragraphs consist largely of self-indulgent ramblings about love and politics.

Write your wife a letter. Tell her you woke up and realized what you’ve been missing. Tell her that anyone who could take her for granted doesn’t deserve her, and ask for her forgiveness. Include a list of the ten best things about her that nobody else would know. Tell her you lust for her more now than you did when you met.

Surprise her with a romantic dinner and a gift (something more symbolic than expensive – after all, she has her own money). Does she like poetry? Get her a book of poems. If you don’t already know the perfect gift, do some research. Find out what she would really want and not get for herself. At dinner, give her the letter along with the gift. Then humbly thank her for letting you spend so many years in her company, and tell her that your happiest thought is the prospect of spending many years to come with her. Good luck.

There’s an important lesson here, not just for you, but for Obama. One must not take anything for granted, be it a beautiful wife or crucial electoral votes. As I write this column, the election is still in doubt. 250 million Americans could be thrust into a Constitutional crisis. Hopefully, you and your wife will work things out. Either way, it shouldn’t affect the stock market.

I don’t want to get all loopy-loo and Yoda-like, but I think this election is a wonderful, divine reminder of something crucially important that we often forget. Everything counts, everything matters. Whether it’s votes, or small demonstrations of appreciation and affection.

Pay attention to the little things. Jesus says that every jot and tittle will be accounted for. Honestly, I have never seen a jot, though I think I’ve seen a tittle or two. Seriously, I believe what Jesus means with the whole jot thing is this: every single one of your thoughts and actions matters, and when you die, you’ll have to watch them all on video tape.

I spend most of my days thinking about me and things related to me, and the Washington Redskins. Like R, I have ignored some wonderful women I have dated. Like me, I’m sure that you’ve asked yourself, ”what if I had just said something nice here and there, or told her more often that I love her, or any other spontaneous act of love?” I’m sure Obama has asked himself, “what if I had more barbecues,” or “what if I had worn a yellow tie?”

Appreciating people every day is cool. Looking back with regret and remorse really sucks.

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Nixon

Dear Steve,
An old friend told me that she dates two types of men: 1) Men who are too good for her, and 2) Men who she really loves, but somehow messes things up with. She then proceeds to say that I fall into neither category… What does that mean? I have been trying to figure out this one for a couple of weeks. If her theory is that both kinds of men are wrong for her, then shouldn’t I be the one who’s with her? And why would she tell me that if she says she only wants to be friends?
Unsigned

You’re making this way more complicated than it is. I don’t want to be harsh, but let me spell it out for you – she’s not interested. When a woman tells you that she only wants to be friends, what she’s really saying is, “I only want to be friends.” If you can’t accept that, you’re like a thirsty guy in the desert who thinks a palm tree is really a water fountain. For whatever reason (probably because you’re not edgy enough), you’re not on her sexual playing field. She dates two types of men, and you’re not either of them (I would take that as a very big hint). I don’t think she was sending you some kind of subliminal message that you two should be together.

You need to be very honest with yourself. Do you want to hang out with a woman to whom you are attracted, knowing she’s not attracted to you? Some guys think, “if she just spends enough time with me, I’ll win her over with my sparkly personality.” Or maybe, you just really want to be friends and you think you can let go of your desire for her. Good luck.

This is one of the great conflicts between Womanus Americanus and Dudus Americanus. Let me explain. Man and woman are hanging out. Man likes woman. The woman doesn’t like the man (in that way). The woman says, “let’s just be friends”. The man has two options.

First option, the man can say, “sorry, I don’t think I could deal with that” (the right choice). To which the woman responds, “well then, I guess you never really liked me, because if you really liked me, you would want to be my friend, even if we’re not going to have sex.” Or perhaps she’ll respond with the classic, “that’s so immature.” There’s also, “come one, we have fun together, we can still have fun together.” Worst of all is, “if we had sex, it would ruin our friendship.”

Have you ever noticed that when one of your female friends is attracted to you, she’s never worried about sex messing up your friendship?

Option two, the man can say, “sure, let’s be friends.” Thus begins the slow descent into madness. It starts with an annoying inner argument between two parts of your brain. Part one says, “sure, I can be her friend, I’ll get over this attraction thing.” Part two says, “come on, you’re a guy, you’ll never get over it… maybe you can use this friend thing as a way to get into her pants.”

Every time you hang out with her, you think about how pretty she is and about how much you have in common. You begin to have imaginary conversations with her where she says that she really likes you and that you really should be together. Pretty soon, you’re writing sonnets about her. Next thing you know, just to be with her, you’re giving her a ride to another guy’s house and picking her up in the morning.

Did you know Richard Nixon used to drive his future wife, Pat, around on dates with other men? He said he was willing to do whatever it took to win her love. It worked for tricky Dick, but do you really want to use him as a role model?

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Marx

Dear Steve –
Thank you for putting yourself out there for public flogging every week. 

I’m a year 55 year-old single hetero woman, living in Santa Fe for 27 years. I love men and often give and get great sex when the opportunity presents. I wish I could be a lesbian because, from what I’ve observed, I think I might have a better chance at a meaningful relationship and great sex too, but I can’t seem to bond with more than my cat, who gives me no sex at all but will sleep with me every night.

18 years ago, I had a conversation with a hetero male friend and I remarked that there seemed to be no available hetero men in town and he jumped on the comment saying ‘Oh, no, the problem is that there are no women here’ which allowed us to see that the problem was with us – not with actual supply of men and women. I was blown away. He found his first partner only a year ago and they just now bought a little house together.

All these years later, I still don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I have done work on myself. There is obviously more to be done or I would be ‘fixed’ by now. And yeah, it smarts that he got what I want. Being alone doesn’t hurt like it used to, and I am resigned to it because actively seeking a partner doesn’t seem to work. I work with the public in a fun retail situation and speak with men all the time that appeal to me, but I feel no connection happening.

Enough of my bitching – I think people that fail to connect w/others wind up in a place like Santa Fe. I have observed that we seem to have a constantly growing contingent of independent, intelligent, creative, tenacious, and overly-concerned-with-self individualists. I think many believe they need to be self-centered to accomplish whatever it is they need to do, and that doesn’t leave much room for anyone else no matter how lonely it gets. I include myself from this group.

And then there are the ones who are never without a partner, even though the partners change. What’s up w/that?

Thanks for your journalistic integrity in staying true to your beliefs. Fuck ‘em if they can’t let the rest of us laugh. And thanks for defining ‘rim job’.
-Just “Another child growing old”, to quote ol’ Joni Mitchell.

First, some people are always in a relationship because they’re rich, or funny, or attractive, or well-adusted, or have no personal boundaries whatsoever and sleep with anything that moves (and no, I’m not necessarily talking about myself). Second, I think it’s good that you’re not having sex with your cat and I recommend you keep it that way. Continue reading

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