Category Archives: Dating

SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy)

So, Mr. Sensitive-New-Age-Guy, just out of curiosity, are the letters you respond to real or fabricated???? Actually, I very much enjoy your blog- you talk the talk quite well, and with great humor…

By the way, was that you in the Eldorado Supermart the other evening? (I was the paint-splattered woman buying posterboard, having one of those typical Eldorado social moments…) See…., you too, can now be victim of the “star-spotting public”, even in your neighborhood grocery…
Thanks for the entertaining column!

“Sensitive-New-Age-Guy”? Yikes! A friend of mine has a term for that, S.N.A.G. I sure as hell don’t want to be a snag. Am I a snag? Do I came across as sensitive? I guess that’s O.K., but new age… no way! OK, so I’m definitely sensitive because that whole new age thing is really hurting my feelings.

Anyway, to answer your question, I absolutely DO NOT make up any of the letters in my column. When I first started doing the column, I begged a couple of friends of mine to send me letters, but I didn’t make anything up. I was genuinely surprised by how many people thought that I made up letters. Then I heard that Dear Abby and Ann Landers sometimes make up their letters. I can only say that I am not surprised. Both of those hosers really piss me off.

First, they are twin sisters who haven’t spoken to each other for, like, 150 years, and they give advice to other people on how to have successful relationships? That’s almost as ridiculous as getting advice from some pseudo-intellectual narcissist who has a long history of failed relationships.

Seriously, how did these two get a monopoly on the whole advice thing? Have you ever seen either of them on TV? They’re scary… really scary. Of course, if you saw me on TV, you wouldn’t want my advice either. But I am just a tiny minnow in the ocean of advice, and they are whales.

I have so many unanswered letters, that I do not foresee the need to make anything up. Abby and Ann must have millions of unanswered letters, so why in the hell would they ever make up anything? The only reason I can think of is that they have some axe they want to grind and no one has written them a good set-up letter for saying what they really want to say. I think that is really heinous? Anyway, on to another letter…

Dear Steve,
I am an extremely hot woman who usually dates really good looking guys with lots of money. Unfortunately, I am always disappointed with these apparently perfect men. I think that their good looks, stability and confidence just end up being boring.
Recently, I decided that I would only date underemployed men who have some glaring shortcoming (like they’re fat or something). My new boyfriend is an overweight writer. He is not particularly good-looking and he is not rich. He is also pretty self-absorbed. We spend most of our time at his house watching television or talking about his life. I never thought I would say this, but it is the ideal relationship. I feel so comfortable with him and we have the best sex in the world (when he is awake).
I strongly encourage all my hot sisters to find the nearest poor, unattractive writer and ask him out.
Happy with my fat-narcissistic-writer-boyfriend

You would be surprised how many letters I get from women who love their self-absorbed, writer boyfriends. I will share your infinite wisdom with my readers. We can only hope that they will follow your really great advice.

Dear Steve,
Your column is so utterly fantastic that I am often left breathless after reading it. How much does the Reporter pay you? I can’t believe that it comes close to matching the unfathomable value of your sublime wisdom. Whatever they are paying you, they should pay you more. Thank you for making my life livable, you are a saint.
“I live to read your column”

I really appreciate your comments, though I would suggest that they are somewhat exaggerated. I am, in fact, not a saint. Otherwise, I think you are dead-on in your observations.


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Dear Steve,
I’m completely in love with my roommate and have been for some time. I moved in with him believing that he would never feel the same way about me and that was okay since I knew that going in. Lately, he has started telling me he’s jealous whenever I go out with other guys, but that he can’t “clearly evaluate the way he feels about me” because his life is such a mess right now. I asked him if I was just supposed to wait around until he could “evaluate” everything, but he told me that he realized he couldn’t ask me to do that. I’ve come to realize that for men its all about timing and for women its about finding the right man regardless, but… don’t you just know how you feel about someone? Is it really about timing or am I just the ‘fill in’ until he finds someone else? I guess the real question is…. should I wait until his life is sorted out or should I get out now before more feelings are involved?
Kelly in New York

Love is like pornography; you know it when you see it. I’m pretty suspicious of this guy who says he can’t “clearly evaluate” the way he feels about you? Trust me, a guy knows when he likes a girl. Saying, “I’m jealous when you go out with other guys, but I don’t know if I want you” is simply a way of marking territory. It’s like licking a piece of cake so no one else will eat it, so you can eat it later. He’s trying to put you on a lay-away plan, or a lay-you-later plan.

So I think he’s a loser. But, for the sake of argument (and to fill up some paper space), let’s say he’s telling the truth. Let’s say he’s some kind of emotional moron who can’t tell if he has feelings for someone. Then, my question to you is, “why do you want to be with an emotional moron?”

Let’s say this guy is really, really deep. He likes to read Rilke and he had a complicated relationship with his mother. He really does like you, but hasn’t sorted out other issues. Maybe he’s afraid he wouldn’t be good for you (isn’t that sweet). Maybe he’s afraid that if you guys got together, he’d lose himself and become emotionally dependent on you (yeah, that’s the ticket). He could be struggling with profound philosophical issues – “The Buddha left his wife to pursue enlightenment, maybe I need to be alone, so I can reach enlightenment.”

Do any of these possibilities sound like your guy? Let me suggest one other possibility. He likes you. Thinks you’re cool. Considers you a long-term relationship option. But, he wants to shop around a little more before he makes up his mind. When a guy tells someone that he needs time to work out his feelings, 99 percent to the time, he means, “I’m pretty sure I like you, but I think there’s a decent chance that I can do better.”

The bottom line is this – when you like someone, you grab onto them. I think it’s true for men and women. You say that, for men, it’s all about timing. On one level that’s true. A man doesn’t settle down because he’s met the right woman, he settles down because he’s become the right man. Whatever else is happening, it sounds like this guy hasn’t become who he’s going to be yet, so I suggest you move out and move on.

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Dear Steve,
I have a terrible time meeting women that I want to be with. I am 26, 6 foot 2 and 180 pounds. I am told by numerous people that I am extremely good looking. It always seems to be a girl who is already involved or one that I am not attracted to that tells me this. I am a picky person when it even comes to “one night stands.” My friends say that I am not very aggressive when we go out. Part of my problem is that when all of these people are telling me how awesome I am, why don’t those girls come up to me that are single and attractive. Any word of advice on what I should change or do.
Thank you Duncan,

Women are very intuitive. Unattractive singles and attractive unsingles probably know that you’re not interested in them, so it’s safe to compliment you because they know it won’t lead anywhere. Average looking women probably sense your lack of interest, move past that, and give you a compliment because they aren’t trying to pick you up. Hence, they aren’t risking rejection. But why aren’t the red-hot, single babes hitting on you?

There can only be one explanation – you intimidate them. I mean, look at the facts; you’re 26, you’re 6’2”, you weigh 180 pounds, and numerous people agree that you’re extremely good looking. You’re a friggin’ Adonis. Any woman attractive enough to actually date you is probably too damn frightened to make the first move.

Your friends say that you are not very aggressive when you go out. You should probably work on that. Women love aggressive men. Sure, many women say they don’t like pushy guys, but does that apply to a really good-looking man? I think not.

You need to make yourself more approachable, more human. Find ways to put other people at ease (people like red-hot babes) and then they’ll start hitting on you. What I’m about to suggest is going to sound completely ridiculous to you, but I’m being serious: You should think about wearing some gold chains. Really. A gold chain around your neck says, “Hey, come talk to me, I’m approachable, I’m fun, let’s have fun together!” I think a gold chain might be the answer to your problems. It would make you a little more human, a little less god-like.

OK, OK, I’ll stop. I’m lying my ass off. Frankly, I’m not interested in helping some tall, good-looking narcissist get laid. I’ll tell you why the babes aren’t approaching you. You’re so in love with yourself, they figure you’re not interested in anyone else. Seriously, look at your letter. You don’t say that you’re a good listener. You don’t say that you’re smart. You don’t say that you’re caring. You don’t say that you’re funny. You say that you’re tall and good looking – as if that entitles you to an instant girlfriend. Moreover, you’re so full of yourself, you expect your instant girlfriend to come to you. And you’re picky? Even for a one-night stand? I don’t think you get the whole one nightstand thing. One of the distinguishing characteristics of a one-night stand is the lowering of standards.

Sure, women are almost as superficial as men. But most women need more than just good looks to get their engines revving. So put in some friggin’ effort and don’t expect to coast by on your good looks. News flash! Women rarely pick up men. That’s right, you may have to make the first move. But you’re great looking, so you can relax. Imagine what it would be like to make the first move if you were FAT, or had a big-ass mole on your face.

PS- If you do make the first move, remember to ask her questions about herself. Really listen to her. If you aren’t genuinely interested in what she has to say, leave her alone and find a woman in whom you are genuinely interested. And here’s another idea: Give a second look to some of those single, unattractive women who have complimented you. You may discover they have more to offer you than you originally thought… like soul.

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Sexy Ugly

Dear Steve,
Why is it the men you’re least attracted to are the best in bed? (I had a male friend tell me once he only dated ugly women because beautiful women were lame in bed.)

I hope you’re not too disappointed, but this is the first time I’ve heard that theory. I can only speak from my own experience, and I have not found your theory to be true. That being said, I’ll attempt to explain your experience.

Possibility #1-
Unattractive people try harder. It’s always nice to be appreciated, and, perhaps, unattractive people are more appreciative. Conversely, it might be the case that beautiful people don’t try as hard. I can easily believe this. I have been with some gorgeous women who consider it a tremendous honor just to let you see them naked. That can be a bummer. Still, the best lover I ever had was an astro-babe. Which brings me to…

Possibility #2-
Maybe your friend is wrong. Maybe unattractive men make better lovers, but not necessarily unattractive women. Most men are so damn superficial that how a woman looks is still a big part of their whole sexual experience. Moreover, effort is more essential to a high quality male performance. Most guys I’ve talked to agree that they don’t require a great deal of effort from their partners in order to have a really great time (though it’s always nice). On the other hand, the women I talked to agreed that a little extra effort is always nice. I don’t know what it’s like to be a great looking guy, but I know that I’m lazy. If I thought I could get away with less effort because I was good looking, I’d probably do it.

Possibility #3-
I find it a little spooky that your friend only has sex with ugly women. I’m also a little uncomfortable with the term “ugly women”. Nonetheless, maybe your friend has better experiences with unattractive women because he feels less threatened by them. Maybe it gives him a feeling of control or power. It might be that he is better able to maintain emotional distance from a woman if he is not attracted to her. Any way you slice it, it kind of freaks me out.

Possibility #3A-
Maybe you have better experiences with unattractive men because you are less comfortable with a man you find attractive. Maybe it’s a fear of becoming too attached to someone. However, I’m inclined to believe that unattractive men, on the whole, make better lovers . I’m not going to find out for myself.

Possibility #4-
Maybe it’s some divine law meant to make life more fair. You either get to be good looking or good in bed. I would really like to believe this, but I can’t. A friend of mine is a model, and he has women lining up around the block at two o’clock in the morning. I don’t think it’s just because he’s good looking. You know what I mean?

The Bottom Line-
Brace yourself, I’m about to get pretty corny. I believe that 99% of the whole sexual dealy-bob is chemistry. It’s not a question of who’s a good lover, it’s a question of who’s a good lover for you. Back when I was a complete moron, I hooked up with this one girl because a friend of mine told me that she was the most spectacular lover in the universe. That was not my experience. Likewise, while some women have found me to be an adequate lover, others have sent me brochures with such titles as “How to regain your sex drive” and “Rediscovering your libido”. What works for one person usually doesn’t work for another. Pretty obvious, right?

Whoever your lover is, I suggest you tell him what you like, and what you don’t. It’s such a cliche, but communication is really important. If that doesn’t work, take one of those unattractive love-gods and treat him to a makeover.

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Dear Steve,
An old friend told me that she dates two types of men: 1) Men who are too good for her, and 2) Men who she really loves, but somehow messes things up with. She then proceeds to say that I fall into neither category… What does that mean? I have been trying to figure out this one for a couple of weeks. If her theory is that both kinds of men are wrong for her, then shouldn’t I be the one who’s with her? And why would she tell me that if she says she only wants to be friends?

You’re making this way more complicated than it is. I don’t want to be harsh, but let me spell it out for you – she’s not interested. When a woman tells you that she only wants to be friends, what she’s really saying is, “I only want to be friends.” If you can’t accept that, you’re like a thirsty guy in the desert who thinks a palm tree is really a water fountain. For whatever reason (probably because you’re not edgy enough), you’re not on her sexual playing field. She dates two types of men, and you’re not either of them (I would take that as a very big hint). I don’t think she was sending you some kind of subliminal message that you two should be together.

You need to be very honest with yourself. Do you want to hang out with a woman to whom you are attracted, knowing she’s not attracted to you? Some guys think, “if she just spends enough time with me, I’ll win her over with my sparkly personality.” Or maybe, you just really want to be friends and you think you can let go of your desire for her. Good luck.

This is one of the great conflicts between Womanus Americanus and Dudus Americanus. Let me explain. Man and woman are hanging out. Man likes woman. The woman doesn’t like the man (in that way). The woman says, “let’s just be friends”. The man has two options.

First option, the man can say, “sorry, I don’t think I could deal with that” (the right choice). To which the woman responds, “well then, I guess you never really liked me, because if you really liked me, you would want to be my friend, even if we’re not going to have sex.” Or perhaps she’ll respond with the classic, “that’s so immature.” There’s also, “come one, we have fun together, we can still have fun together.” Worst of all is, “if we had sex, it would ruin our friendship.”

Have you ever noticed that when one of your female friends is attracted to you, she’s never worried about sex messing up your friendship?

Option two, the man can say, “sure, let’s be friends.” Thus begins the slow descent into madness. It starts with an annoying inner argument between two parts of your brain. Part one says, “sure, I can be her friend, I’ll get over this attraction thing.” Part two says, “come on, you’re a guy, you’ll never get over it… maybe you can use this friend thing as a way to get into her pants.”

Every time you hang out with her, you think about how pretty she is and about how much you have in common. You begin to have imaginary conversations with her where she says that she really likes you and that you really should be together. Pretty soon, you’re writing sonnets about her. Next thing you know, just to be with her, you’re giving her a ride to another guy’s house and picking her up in the morning.

Did you know Richard Nixon used to drive his future wife, Pat, around on dates with other men? He said he was willing to do whatever it took to win her love. It worked for tricky Dick, but do you really want to use him as a role model?

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Lesbians and The City Different

Like most good people, I hate the Dallas Cowboys. A few years ago, Robert Altman made a film with a gay character who wanted to be a Cowboys’ cheerleader. When the Cowboys discovered the character’s sexual orientation, they refused to let her wear their uniform in the film (which is strange, considering half their players are gay). Despite the fact that, on an almost yearly basis, the Dallas Cowboys stand by some player who’s charged with sexual assault or drug possession, their organization refuses to be associated with homosexuality. Some people are just intolerant. To be honest, I would have been disappointed if the Cowboys’ hadn’t acted like the narrow-minded, hypocritical bastards we all know they are.
MTV, on the other hand, is way more open-minded. Years ago, they televised a performance by the Russian band T.A.T.U. – two hot lesbians who perform in their underwear and make out on stage (they’re really great). During their performance, a hundred teenagers wearing Catholic school-girl uniforms ran onto the stage. As T.A.T.U sang, the hundred girls ripped off their shirts and skirts and started making out with each other in their underwear (it was a really great show). Obviously, this was filmed in Manhattan, because New Yorkers are super tolerant and they embrace lesbians and stuff. As we watched, my friend Kevin said, “they would never do this with a hundred teenage boys – making out with each other in their underwear.” This is true.
Cinemax is a lot like MTV. Cinemax usually runs a soft-core porn movie each night (according to my friend Bill, not me). One thing I’ve noticed… I mean, one thing Bill noticed, is that each movie has at least one scene with two girls having sex. It’s like a requirement or something. However, Bill has never seen two dudes making out on Cinemax… unless it was an art movie. Even mainstream television commercials regularly feature a lesbian subtext – like the Miller Lite ad with two hotties fighting in a water fountain.
It’s not just modern America that’s more comfortable with gay women than gay men. Last night, I saw a program on the Nazi’s campaign against homosexuals. Evidently, they were much more concerned about gay men than gay women. Yes, the Nazis persecuted lesbians, but not with the same fervor reserved for gay men. Apparently, even the Nazis could handle a little lesbian action (which makes them slightly more tolerant than the Dallas Cowboys).
It’s seems reasonable to ask the question – “why are people more comfortable with female gay sex than male gay sex?” Some people have complicated theories about gender power structures, but I think it’s something more simple – people are freaked out by butt sex. When I wrote about that topic, it caused quite a controversy. Some people complained about the language, which seems odd, considering I’ve always had a potty mouth and its often been worse. Most people were offended by the subject matter (things in butts, things near butts, rim jobs, etc.). By most people, I mean some readers, some friends, some girls I’ve dated, and the publisher of this paper. I even offended myself. Someone told me that’s because I’m a Sagittarius with Virgo rising. Evidently, Sagittarians are outspoken and skanky, while Virgos are reserved and prudish – which means half of me is always offending the other half.
I’m not surprised that I offended myself, because I’m a pretty conservative guy. But, I was surprised that I offended so many liberals in Santa Fe. I mean, this is the City Different, right? Santa Fe is an alternative town for alternative people, and the Santa Fe Reporter is the alternative newspaper. The truth is, while Santa Fe is politically progressive, it’s as sexually repressed as Victorian England. We can celebrate alternative sexuality (witness the Gay Pride parade), but we can’t handle an open discussion about sexual alternatives (rim jobs).
Okay, I’ll stop writing about that stuff. I may be immature and sarcastic, but I’m not stupid.
Finally, while I sympathize with people concerned that children might read my column, please consider this: children need constant supervision, regardless of what I say about butt sex. There are a thousand terrible things that can happen to an unsupervised child – like watching porn on Cinemax , running into the street, using handguns, or growing up to be a Cowboys fan.

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Prime: Part 4

This week, I planned on answering a letter about rim jobs, which I mentioned to several people. I’d like to apologize to those of you who were looking forward to a column about anal sex. Such a worthy topic deserves a level of insight and energy that I’m currently unable to provide. Hopefully, I’ll have something about tongues and asses next week. In the meantime…

Dear Mr. Tao,
I’m a 54 year-old woman and I’m genuinely sorry for the bitter 40 year-old man (Estevan Yan) with the 40 year-old wife. I’m sorry he’s disappointed in how his sex life has turned out. I can see how he would blame his wife and be angry at her and at the universe for frustrating him so badly. The universe has definitely played a nasty joke on all of us, not just on men. Does he think I wouldn’t like to get off as easily as my husband? I’d love to, but I can’t. Not a single time, with all sorts of different guys, have I ever had an orgasm while screwing. The guys all did, every one of them. Is that fair? Not at all and I certainly have been resentful about it.
But getting off quickly isn’t really what I want. What I want is to have my man see that my sexual satisfaction is just as important as his own, even if it takes longer. And to stick with me and help me. Finally after many years of marriage my husband has gotten that message. Do we have sex more often? No we don’t. But when we have it, it’s so much fun that we both really look forward to it. My husband is happier with a cheerful contented wife than with a bitchy frustrated one. And of course so am I. So, poor frustrated man, I’m afraid you’re stuck with choking the chicken on a regular basis. But please don’t be angry at your wife who doubtless would prefer to be more like you. But she isn’t and she isn’t going to be. All you two can do is laugh at the hilarious joke the universe played on all of us and love each other.
Sue Wheat

Once again, I feel the need to defend Mr. Yan. He did not blame his wife, nor was he angry at her. He was angry at the researchers who suggested that 40 year-old women have sex drives similar to 19 year-old men. Obviously, you agree with Mr. Yan, who’s main argument is that the sexual needs of men and women are very different. Strangely, all of the lettters I’ve received about that column have criticized Mr. Yan for not recognizing that men and women have very different sex drives – which was precisely his point.
There’s a strange virus going around – it prevents people from listening and seeing clearly. People hear/read what they expect to hear/read. The experimental psychologist Titchner had a term for this – “the Stimulus Error.” Basically, it means that people’s expectations and previous experiences inhibit their ability to perceive things accurately. Many of the women who expressed anger at Mr. Yan are probably having a delayed reaction against men from their own lives – men who insisted on having their own sexual needs met, while failing to meet their partners’s sexual needs. Still, I’m not sure that explains why so many people who agree with Mr. Yan’s premise – that men and women have different sexual needs – chose to misinterpret his letter.
Anyway, I agree with those who think that men and women are different. The rest of you are a bunch of hippie whiners. There.
Finally, I’d like to elaborate on why a woman’s sex drive might differ from a man’s. As always, I look to evolutionary forces for illumination. For forty thousand years, sex could kill a woman. The sexual act itself could give her a deadly infection and childbirth could easily take her life. Furthermore, I suspect cavemen were even less concerned with the female orgasm than modern American men. Do you think a cave dude would have sex with his mate, then say, “oob, oob – was it good for you?” I seriously doubt it.
A few thousand years of deadly sex with no orgasm would probably take the woody out of male sexual desire, too.

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