Intercourse and Intimacy

Steve, Steve, Steve,
Alas, you have disappointed me in your response to Sara, the woman with blow-job issues. After you’ve won my respect and admiration, you had to go and blow it (actually, I don’t think you can compete with Dan Savage at the Village Voice, but that’s a different matter).
Anyway, straight to the point, let’s get to the head of the matter. Your argument for sexual intercourse being more “intimate” than oral sex, well, that is one thing that I just can’t swallow. I mean, what’s this thing about “intercourse can make children”? If you are going to use this argument, at least stick it in where someone won’t notice it, instead of putting it front and center, right out in the open like that, and please explain your reasoning. Have you ever considered that realm of sexual exchange that has been receiving headlines lately, ( namely the Texas sodomy case) or sex between members of the same gender? Now, we’re not talking about making children here, (unless the sex involves two lesbians, a turkey baster, and a sperm bank).
I know, I know, the question was from a hetero woman and she wanted a “straight” answer, but let’s face it Duncan, there are many men out there who have tasted the “love juice” in more ways than just from their lover’s mouth. And there are many men who would also cringe with embarrassment and homophobia to admit they had tasted their own cum while jacking off, and if they did admit it, they would qualify that act with being curious, not perhaps admitting their own seemingly perverted tendencies.
As for the term “intimacy,” as in trying to figure out which is more intimate, oral sex or just plain intercourse, let’s not even try to answer that in so few sentences. Just defining what intimacy means could take up more than your column has room for, (and is perhaps going too deep for your particular genre) an issue that you touched upon when you mentioned every person being “unique” in what they consider to be intimate, and in what constitutes their preferences. Let’s just say that your answer was limited, and I understand why, it is your opinion after all. But I also wouldn’t want any sexual “deviants” out there to feel left out of the conversation because, I for one, like to have a few more options, creative avenues, and roles that I might play than those presented in your column. If I was to understand your argument correctly, then I would assume that most same gender sex was not as intimate (whatever that means, since we haven’t defined it) as hetero sex.
-Can’t Understand Much

First, let’s start with Dan Savage. He receives letters like: “can I get athlete’s foot from masturbating into my sneaker” or “can I get an infection from letting a dog lick my pussy.” I have 600 letters asking why there are no decent men in Santa Fe. You do the math. Goo in the shoe is funny, women with high standards are not.
Second, intimacy is created in many different ways (sometimes, without any sex at all). I apologize to all the same gender couples, sexual deviants, and cum tasters – I validate and applaud your sexual choices. I should’ve said sexual intercourse is more “intense,” instead of more intimate (but you’d probably whine about that too).
It seems self-evident that a sex act that can, potentially, create a person, is more intense than one that cannot. Let’s say that sexual intercourse didn’t produce children, but it just produced household appliances. Wouldn’t that be more intense than sex that couldn’t produce appliances? If a microwave oven popped out of your butt nine months after some backdoor boning, wouldn’t that make the whole thing a little more intense (not to mention, more painful)? Isn’t creating a person as interesting as creating a toaster?

“That subtle knot which makes us man:
So must pure lovers’ souls descend
T’ affections, and to faculties,
Which sense may reach and apprehend,
Else a great Prince in prison lies.”

-The Extasy, John Donne

Yes, I think the horizontal bone-dance (“that subtle knot which makes us man”) is special and more intimate than oral sex. So sue me. Since you’re a person who likes to celebrate diversity – why can’t you celebrate the diversity of my opinion?


1 Comment

Filed under Sex

One response to “Intercourse and Intimacy

  1. Ivor

    Is this basis of this, whether we acknowledge the difference between SEX and Making Love?

    Many times it is this difference that gives us limitation in what we want to achieve between a Man and a Woman.

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