Sexy Ugly

Dear Steve,
Why is it the men you’re least attracted to are the best in bed? (I had a male friend tell me once he only dated ugly women because beautiful women were lame in bed.)
-Andrea

I hope you’re not too disappointed, but this is the first time I’ve heard that theory. I can only speak from my own experience, and I have not found your theory to be true. That being said, I’ll attempt to explain your experience.

Possibility #1-
Unattractive people try harder. It’s always nice to be appreciated, and, perhaps, unattractive people are more appreciative. Conversely, it might be the case that beautiful people don’t try as hard. I can easily believe this. I have been with some gorgeous women who consider it a tremendous honor just to let you see them naked. That can be a bummer. Still, the best lover I ever had was an astro-babe. Which brings me to…

Possibility #2-
Maybe your friend is wrong. Maybe unattractive men make better lovers, but not necessarily unattractive women. Most men are so damn superficial that how a woman looks is still a big part of their whole sexual experience. Moreover, effort is more essential to a high quality male performance. Most guys I’ve talked to agree that they don’t require a great deal of effort from their partners in order to have a really great time (though it’s always nice). On the other hand, the women I talked to agreed that a little extra effort is always nice. I don’t know what it’s like to be a great looking guy, but I know that I’m lazy. If I thought I could get away with less effort because I was good looking, I’d probably do it.

Possibility #3-
I find it a little spooky that your friend only has sex with ugly women. I’m also a little uncomfortable with the term “ugly women”. Nonetheless, maybe your friend has better experiences with unattractive women because he feels less threatened by them. Maybe it gives him a feeling of control or power. It might be that he is better able to maintain emotional distance from a woman if he is not attracted to her. Any way you slice it, it kind of freaks me out.

Possibility #3A-
Maybe you have better experiences with unattractive men because you are less comfortable with a man you find attractive. Maybe it’s a fear of becoming too attached to someone. However, I’m inclined to believe that unattractive men, on the whole, make better lovers . I’m not going to find out for myself.

Possibility #4-
Maybe it’s some divine law meant to make life more fair. You either get to be good looking or good in bed. I would really like to believe this, but I can’t. A friend of mine is a model, and he has women lining up around the block at two o’clock in the morning. I don’t think it’s just because he’s good looking. You know what I mean?

The Bottom Line-
Brace yourself, I’m about to get pretty corny. I believe that 99% of the whole sexual dealy-bob is chemistry. It’s not a question of who’s a good lover, it’s a question of who’s a good lover for you. Back when I was a complete moron, I hooked up with this one girl because a friend of mine told me that she was the most spectacular lover in the universe. That was not my experience. Likewise, while some women have found me to be an adequate lover, others have sent me brochures with such titles as “How to regain your sex drive” and “Rediscovering your libido”. What works for one person usually doesn’t work for another. Pretty obvious, right?

Whoever your lover is, I suggest you tell him what you like, and what you don’t. It’s such a cliche, but communication is really important. If that doesn’t work, take one of those unattractive love-gods and treat him to a makeover.

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Filed under Advice, Dating, Sex

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