This week, I planned on answering a letter about rim jobs, which I mentioned to several people. I’d like to apologize to those of you who were looking forward to a column about anal sex. Such a worthy topic deserves a level of insight and energy that I’m currently unable to provide. Hopefully, I’ll have something about tongues and asses next week. In the meantime…
Dear Mr. Tao,
I’m a 54 year-old woman and I’m genuinely sorry for the bitter 40 year-old man (Estevan Yan) with the 40 year-old wife. I’m sorry he’s disappointed in how his sex life has turned out. I can see how he would blame his wife and be angry at her and at the universe for frustrating him so badly. The universe has definitely played a nasty joke on all of us, not just on men. Does he think I wouldn’t like to get off as easily as my husband? I’d love to, but I can’t. Not a single time, with all sorts of different guys, have I ever had an orgasm while screwing. The guys all did, every one of them. Is that fair? Not at all and I certainly have been resentful about it.
But getting off quickly isn’t really what I want. What I want is to have my man see that my sexual satisfaction is just as important as his own, even if it takes longer. And to stick with me and help me. Finally after many years of marriage my husband has gotten that message. Do we have sex more often? No we don’t. But when we have it, it’s so much fun that we both really look forward to it. My husband is happier with a cheerful contented wife than with a bitchy frustrated one. And of course so am I. So, poor frustrated man, I’m afraid you’re stuck with choking the chicken on a regular basis. But please don’t be angry at your wife who doubtless would prefer to be more like you. But she isn’t and she isn’t going to be. All you two can do is laugh at the hilarious joke the universe played on all of us and love each other.
Once again, I feel the need to defend Mr. Yan. He did not blame his wife, nor was he angry at her. He was angry at the researchers who suggested that 40 year-old women have sex drives similar to 19 year-old men. Obviously, you agree with Mr. Yan, who’s main argument is that the sexual needs of men and women are very different. Strangely, all of the lettters I’ve received about that column have criticized Mr. Yan for not recognizing that men and women have very different sex drives – which was precisely his point.
There’s a strange virus going around – it prevents people from listening and seeing clearly. People hear/read what they expect to hear/read. The experimental psychologist Titchner had a term for this – “the Stimulus Error.” Basically, it means that people’s expectations and previous experiences inhibit their ability to perceive things accurately. Many of the women who expressed anger at Mr. Yan are probably having a delayed reaction against men from their own lives – men who insisted on having their own sexual needs met, while failing to meet their partners’s sexual needs. Still, I’m not sure that explains why so many people who agree with Mr. Yan’s premise – that men and women have different sexual needs – chose to misinterpret his letter.
Anyway, I agree with those who think that men and women are different. The rest of you are a bunch of hippie whiners. There.
Finally, I’d like to elaborate on why a woman’s sex drive might differ from a man’s. As always, I look to evolutionary forces for illumination. For forty thousand years, sex could kill a woman. The sexual act itself could give her a deadly infection and childbirth could easily take her life. Furthermore, I suspect cavemen were even less concerned with the female orgasm than modern American men. Do you think a cave dude would have sex with his mate, then say, “oob, oob – was it good for you?” I seriously doubt it.
A few thousand years of deadly sex with no orgasm would probably take the woody out of male sexual desire, too.