Dear Steve,
My dilemma is two-headed. I now have regained my confidence around being rejected on first introduction (my introduction). One out of ten women is interested in contacting me again if I walk up to her and tell her about my party or something I know about that is of current interest in town. I am a good-looking and a very successful guy, creative, etc. I love my community here and have many friends and always like the notion of seeking more. If I see a beautiful woman in Whole Foods, Body, or any restaurant downtown and I see that there is no wedding ring and a body language of openness, I will approach that woman and try to connect with her. Within 5 seconds, I know if I should say goodbye or ask her to a party or something. After more conversation, I sometimes tell someone that is interested of something fun. They usually never show up. My issue is this – it seems like so many woman say that there are no men around and I see all of the women in Whole Foods and few of them seem to look up, or around, or engage with anyone. They are there to go grocery shopping and that is the only mission. It’s the same in my yoga class, the women seem to finish class and leave like they were on their way to a five-alarm fire or something. I don’t mind the rejection or unlikely possibility that these women would show up at a party that I would be having. In our American culture, it’s not really commonplace that strangers interact at all. However, on the flip side, if a beautiful woman dressed to the nines invited me to her house for a party, I would at least call to get more information. Well, I wouldn’t even call, I would just show up actually. I would like to know what you think about why women in our culture seem so shut down and only stare at their shopping baskets or at the shelves that the stuff came off of. I wouldn’t even mind hearing from the women that seem on that one channel.
My second dilemma is that I tried the Personals and find that I usually do not get a response from any of the great ads that I try to call. I usually try calling 6 to 8 ads at one shot, but both times I did that, no one returned my call. I’m not sure if the women that have their heads in their carts at Whole Foods are the same ones putting the ads in the Reporter just to tease the guys or if they are flooded with so many guys that they don’t know who to call or if they found their match on the first pick and don’t bother to call anyone back. Can you help sort that problem out? I really like that there is some kind of effort in this community for singles to meet other than smoky El Farol or loud and sort of smoky Paramount. I still think private parties are the best but they are private. What is a single, prosperous, attractive, cultured, and very interested guy to do in Santa Fe?

I’m going to ignore your first question because I don’t think women are shut down. Rather than blaming women for your situation, take a long look at yourself. Re-read your letter. Two things stand out…
First, you’re obviously looking for ANY woman, not THE woman. If you were looking for a special woman, you wouldn’t answer 6 to 8 personal ads at a time and you wouldn’t approach any beautiful woman who wasn’t wearing a wedding band. Women want to feel special, not convenient. Your approach seems a little desperate.
Second, you sound bitter. Women don’t place personal ads just to tease you and they don’t run out of yoga to make you suffer. They’re just living their lives.
Women can sense desperation and bitterness and those things will always turn them off. Let go of your expectations, let go of your bitterness, and pursue things that fill your life with joy. If you do that, eventually someone will approach you. I think.


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Filed under Advice, Dating

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