Booty: The Sequel

Some people complained about the ‘Booty‘ column a few weeks ago. They thought it was crass and obscene. I apologize. Henceforth, I’ll try to meet the high standards of taste and decorum that my readers so richly deserve. Discalimer: Not for the faint of heart or easily-offended.

Dear Steve –

I liked your column about the guy who wanted to lick his girlfriend’s ass, but she wouldn’t let him. I sort of have the opposite problem. It’s not that I want my girlfriend to lick my ass (which would be nice), I just want her to finger fuck me during blow-jobs.

She thinks that it’s totally gross to stick her finger in my ass (my ass is very clean, by the way). Do you think I can change her mind? If so, how (we’re both 24 and we’ve been going out for five months – if that info helps).

I really like her and I don’t want to push her away with this thing, so if you could suggest a subtle way to approach this, that would be good. I also think she thinks that it’s kinda gay that I want something in my butt. What do you think? I don’t think it’s gay.

Besides, I didn’t start this whole thing. A girl I dated in college put her finger up there one night without even asking (which freaked me out at first, but then I started getting into it).

Your list of Butt Sex Types only talked about people on the receiving end, but what about people on the giving end? My girlfriend is definitely a Type 1 Tight Ass (she doesn’t even like it when you talk about her butt).

Do you think there are any people who hate having stuff in their butt, but don’t mind putting stuff in other people’s butts, or is everybody who hates getting it (in the butt) also going to hate giving it (in the butt)?

Congratulations on your clean ass. Now, for your questions…

“Do you think I can change her mind?” No. Not without liquor.

“Could you suggest a subtle way to approach this?” Maybe. You could say something like, “hey honey, what kind of things do you like in your butt – I’d like a finger in mine.”

“What do you think about the gay thing?” You should take the Gay Test. Try whacking off while thinking about a guy – if you can come, you might be gay. WARNING: Don’t think about any girls while you’re choking your chicken, as this could alter your results.

“Are there people who hate getting it in the butt, who like giving it in the butt?” Yes. Prisons are full of people like that.

When it comes to fingering a friend’s fanny , there are four types of women –

Type 1 – The No-No’s) “No, you’re not doing that to me and no, I’m not doing that to you.”

Type 2 – The Nuns) “I’ll spank you, but that’s all.”

Type 3 – The Reluctant Reamers) “I’ll put my finger in there if it turns you on, but it doesn’t do anything for me.”

Type 4 – The Rammers) “Screw my finger, I’ve got a strap-on!”

I interviewed a lot of women to answer your question, and I found some interesting results. Women in the same age group tended to give similar answers to the question “would you bugger your boyfriend’s bum?”

Here are some responses:

Women in their 20’s -“The idea just bugs me,” “I’d be afraid it was feeding some gay thing,” “I shouldn’t do anything to him that doesn’t turn me on and that definitely doesn’t turn me on,” and“Ew, yuck, gross,”

Women in their 30’s – “It’s not natural for a woman to penetrate, but if it makes him happy, I’d do it,” “If it was a long term relationship, I’d do it,” “I can do it to him without him doing it to me, right?” and “sure, could I use a dildo?”

Women in their 40’s – “Why be somebody’s lover if you’re not willing to make them happy,” “It turns me on to turn my lover on,” and “I’d wear a funny hat and jump around on a pogo stick to make my lover happy.”

Based on these answers, you can expect your girlfriend to start putting out in about five or six years. Of course, if you can’t wait that long, there’s always prison.


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Filed under Advice, Dating, Sex

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