Loch Ness

Dear Steve,
Several times over the last few years, I have just been in the mood for a sex-only relationship, but my partners seem to be offended by this? Why? Is this a gender-specific, one-way only kind of thing? Why is it always assumed that women only want marriage-potential partners?
– Deborah

My question for you is, “do you really exist?” I have always placed women who only want sex in the same category as Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster – you hear about them, but you never see them in person.

Assuming you do really exist, here are some thoughts on your dilemna. First, I am positive there are men who would love to have a sex-only relationship. I can only think of a few reasons why the men you have approached might have seem offended:

1) Maybe they thought it was a trick question. If a girl asked me if I wanted to have a relationship based solely on sex, I would definitely think it was a test to determine if I was ready for a commitment.

2) Maybe all of these men liked you a lot and didn’t want to become physically involved with someone who didn’t want to get emotionally involved. (I have heard about guys like this, but assumed they too were a myth, much like the Easter Bunny.)

3) Maybe they felt insulted because you don’t consider them worthy of a real relationship, which wounded their self-esteem to the point that they didn’t think they could get a woody.

As to whether this is an example of some great gender inequality, I am inclined to say no. Though it may be assumed that some men want sex-only relationships, I don’t think they get very far by announcing it to their potential partners. I have never tried to pick up a woman by saying that I only want sex, but I have a feeling it’s not a good line.

Nor do I think it is assumed that women only want marriage-potential partners. On the contrary, I think most guys assume that women date Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right (hence, songs like Joe Jackson’s “Is she really going out with him?”). Women, like men, want to have fun. The most fun date is not always the person you would want to be the mother/father of your children.

I do wonder why you want a sex-only relationship. Do you just want to get laid, but you don’t want the psychological baggage attached to a relationship? If so, good luck. In my experience, it’s very difficult to separate the physical from the emotional. Inevitably, one becomes attached to one’s sexual partners – which I think is a good thing.

Maybe you are afraid of becoming attached or perhaps you have been badly burned in a previous relationship and you are trying to protect yourself by limiting the emotional element.

Either way, I suspect that you are asking the wrong guys. Find a guy who dates a lot of women but never seems to be in a serious relationship, then ask him if he wants a sex-only relationship. I’m pretty sure he’ll say yes. Then again, you could be right: Maybe men do expect women to want something more. Maybe even a die-hard lothario would be scared off by your apparently irresistable offer.

You could try doing what some men do, namely, don’t tell the other person that you’re only interested in getting laid. After a few weeks, he may want to slow things down and will be thrilled to learn you were only in it for the sex.

Or you could try having a regular relationship and just see where it goes. To be honest, I have had a few sex-only relationships and, invariably, they left me feeling empty (probably because I wasn’t doing it right). That being said, if you still can’t find anyone, you know how to reach me.


1 Comment

Filed under Advice

One response to “Loch Ness

  1. To Deborah,
    Join OkCupid. Over 80% of the male members are only there to find women as sex only relationships.

    Good luck,


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s