Dear Steve–
My sister is a beautiful woman but she has a tendancy to chew men up and spit them out. When that’s not happening, she picks guys who might as well be the dredges at the bottom of the barrel, dressed up in a decent smile and faux boyish charm. Needless to say, when their whimpy handshake isn’t giving away their true character, it becomes clear that they’re assholes. Tell me, why does this happen? You’d think that a beautiful woman would attract the cream of the crop, right? And, if my sister is a man chewer-upper, why are men attracted to her (because I can safely say that you can more or less tell)?
Tell me, why?
Julie in Santa Fe

Let me answer your last question first. There are a lot of men that prefer mean girls to nice girls. And a mean girl who is also beautiful can be downright irresistable. Why do some guys like mean girls? For many of the same reasons that some women like mean guys. Some people find cruelty sexy (like masochists and Dallas Cowboy fans). Some people have low self-esteem and are unable to connect with anyone who doesn’t share their low opinion of themselves.

You say that when your sister isn’t spitting guys out, she is dating losers. So, I am assuming that the guys she spits out are the good ones. Maybe she spits out the good ones because she is intimidated, or threatened by them.

“Beauty is a terrible and awful thing! It is terrible because it has not been fathomed, for God sets us nothing but riddles.”

If your sister is astro-babe beautiful, she’s sure to have a few insecurity issues. Beautiful people get so much attention for their looks, that they can become insecure about other things, like their minds or souls. It doesn’t matter if your sister is a super-genius, she’s gonna be a little insecure about her intelligence if she is always getting attention for her appearance. Your sister might be aware enough to know that she has a soul, in which case she could have some spiritual insecurities. Etiher way, if she is dating losers, I think it is because she is avoiding dealing with her own insecurities by picking men that don’t challenge her.

Just because she’s a beautiful woman, it doesn’t mean she gets to choose whomever she wants. “The cream of the crop” can be defined a number of ways. She probably could choose the best looking guy, if that ‘s your definition of “cream”. But a truly excellent man would expect more of your sister than merely looking good at a party. He want her to demonstrate strength and character. Has she overcome difficult obstacles? Does she challenge herself, or does she avoid challenges? Does she do volunteer work? He’d want her to be a good conversationalist, too. Is she?

My question to you is this: what bugs you most, that your sister dates losers, that she chews up and spits out the good ones, or that men keep coming back for more? Also, I am curious as to whether there is competition between you and your sister. Did she ever spit out a guy that you would have liked to date yourself?

Whatever the situation, I strongly caution you against thinking too much about your sister’s romantic life. In the end, you’ll never really know what’s going on with her. Instead, focus on your own issues and your own relationships. It may not be as fun as analyzing your sister, but it’s the grown-up thing to do.


1 Comment

Filed under Advice, Love, Philosophy

One response to “Chewy

  1. Anna

    I was going to read your post, but I didn’t. I’m just glad you’re back. Do you think dressing up like an American Indian is racist. I’ve been wrongly accused. I wish I had a romantic problem for you to solve, but alas, Pablo was deported some time ago. I’ve been busy healing here in NYC, breaking back into the black box theater scene.
    Do you have a moderator / copy editor for this website? I often freelance.

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