Booty 1

Yo Stevester,

I’m sick and tired of reading about all these little pukes who can’t find a date or their soul mate. I know that your column is meant to give advice to the unfortunate in the world of “love,” but I feel that these people abuse your infinite wisdom and knowledge when it comes to finding love. My predicament is what your column is really all about. I have a real meat and potatoes question.
I have been dating this woman for an eternity (Man Time), about five weeks (Real Time). We have hit it off really good and it has now led to sack time. We are both compatible and really enjoy each other. I enjoy pleasing my partner – especially when it comes to oral sex. Now I’ll be honest with you, sometimes my tongue slips and I hit the Back Door and, to be more honest, I don’t mind. But the old lady complains about it and I’m getting fed up. Oh great one, should I just dump her and find someone who appreciates this art form, or should I hang on and put up with the bitchin’?

P.S. I’ll be in the variations section of the personal ads (for any interested party).

Let me get this straight – you’re compatible and you really enjoy each other, but you’re thinking of breaking up because she won’t let you lick her ass? That’s utterly ridiculous. It’s not like she’s refusing to give you blow jobs. As for the whole thing about your tongue “slipping” – you’re either joking, or you’re the world’s dumbest liar. I’m going to assume you’re joking.
Obviously, licking ass is very important to you. Is that all you want? Perhaps rim jobs are merely the prelude to more adventurous butt games. Licking someone’s ass is like knocking on her Back Door, asking if you can come in. A friend of mine (who read your letter) is convinced that you’re trying to slip Mr. Happy into your girlfriend’s patootie. Maybe your girlfriend is thinking the same thing. For the sake of argument, let’s assume that you just want to tickle her tushy with your tongue. Maybe you should make it clear that you have no greater ambitions in the rump region, like when Hitler told Chamberlain he was only interested in Czechoslovakia.
That may not be enough. When it comes to butt sex, there are five different types of people:

Type 1 – The Tight-Asses) They don’t want anything going in, on, or near their ass. (Some people may resent the term “tight-ass,” but it seems unavoidably accurate to me.)
Type 2 – The Tushy Teasers) They indulge in modest butt-play. Light touching, maybe a kiss on the ‘cheek’ or stroking a finger over the fudge factory, but no penetration.
Type 3 – The Digit Diddlers, or Oral ASSistants) They occasionally enjoy a frisky finger in the funnel, especially a digit in the derriere during oral sex.
Type 4 – The Butt-Bangers) They like being buggered by dicks, dildos, and/or the occasional piano leg.
If your girlfriend is a Type 1 Tight-Ass, you should put the kibosh on kissing her caboose. However, if she’s a Type 2 Tushy-Teaser (but she thinks you’re looking for a Type 4 Butt-Banger), you can probably work things out. Either way, it shouldn’t matter. She sounds like a cool woman, and wouldn’t you rather be with a cool woman who won’t let you lick her ass than be alone? Would you prefer dating a heinous bitch who lets you play tongue-doctor all day long?
A fetish is a tricky thing. It can be fun, but it can also be destructive. You should ask yourself how important this fetish is to you. Are you willing to sacrifice a relationship because of it? Only you can answer that question.



Filed under Advice, Dating, Sex

2 responses to “Booty 1

  1. Pingback: Booty: The Sequel | The Tao of Love

  2. Amy Flodin

    Dear Perplexed: You don’t say how old you are. However, why settle, if you can find a woman who you’re more compatible with on many levels? Doesn’t have to be one exreme or the other — heinous bitch or cool woman! As a widow of a certain age, being back on the dating scene after more than 25 years, I can say that my late husband, while being an incredibly wonderful guy, was a disappointment in the bedroom. I thought him to be educable, but sadly not. Anyway, I promised myself that the next time I got involved, it would be with someone who really satisfied me in bed, along with being compatible on other levels, of course. At this point, the best sex in my life was back in college with an adventurous guy who loved oral sex and butt play. However, dear Perplexed, I would not and will not be looking in the Personal Ads –Variations Section for my next partner. The Creepy Potential there is off the charts! And, a guy has to prove himself worthy of me — is he strong enough to be my man? — before we get freaky.
    Interestingly, the Universe has just manifested for me with what may be exactly what I’ve been looking for. I recently discovered a friend who I have a lot in common with has similar tastes. Sadly, he lives in another part of the country. How far would you go for the really right partner?
    Sign me — Perplexed As Well

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