Scary Puppy

Dear Duncan,

I’m so sick of not having someone to love me. And I’m tired of looking for her… if she’s even out there… all I meet are mean women. Makes me think they ‘re all like that… but I don’t care… I’m going to keep looking till I find someone to love me. I want to feel the sunshine, shining down on her and I. I want to wake up feeling her next to me. I want to kiss her everyday forever and ever. I want to come home from work and find her there just waiting to hold me. I want to know I’m her only guy and no one else can steal her love from me. It’s going to happen for me… and I wont be lonely anymore… maybe I don’t realize the mess I’m getting into. But now, since I was recently in love and out, I can again see what love can do. I had forgotten… how it comes, wave on wave, how you feel like you’ve just been born. If I’m in love and loving someone, I can be happy again… all these years have gone by without anyone loving me and basically just loneliness surrounding me. Is it wrong to be co-dependent on someone and visa versa? Is it wrong to need someone’s affection all the time? Is it wrong to have her as the center of my world? Is it?

(Let me interrupt this letter just to say – “yes, it is absolutely wrong.”)

I imagine her sitting beside me, on a beach in Mexico, in white cloth beach chairs, drinking margaritas, warm breeze blowing, palm trees for shade, diamond blue ocean… and me and her are holding hands. In the grocery store, I see beautiful women and I say “hi,” and they usually act like I’m a criminal or something. When I go to bars, that usually ends up with a hangover, money spent, and a possible DWI. I’m telling you ladies right now, I’m a great looking guy, and I’m out there, and I’m looking for you.

Everyone knows that women are a lot smarter when it comes to romance. So maybe its the women causing all the romance problems. I did fall madly in love with a woman. She was everything I could ever hope for and more. She was a beautiful blonde with charisma and style. We could sit and talk and play backgammon for hours. I loved just being around her. It renewed me and changed my life into happiness and Heaven. Then, one day, she said we’re just friends now. So now I am back on the dating scene. My question to you Duncan is – when a girl says “We are just friends,” does that mean the relationship is over?


Yes – especially for you.
You probably thought some women would find your letter romantic. They don’t. Mostly, they’re thinking, “oh my God, that guy’s out there somewhere and he’s looking for me – maybe I should get some pepper spray.” Psychologists have a term for co-dependent people who need constant affection – ‘Scary.’ Your idea of romance is somewhere between pathetic and terrifying (depending on whether or not you own a gun). Let’s examine some of your issues:

ISSUE #1 – “I’m so sick of not having someone to love me.” The point is to love, not be loved (being loved is an excellent bonus). You’re not looking for love, you’re looking for human Prozac, which brings us to…
ISSUE #2 – “If I’m in love… I can be happy again.” Other people can make you a sandwich, but they can’t make you happy. Happiness comes from within (and, occasionally, through the use of drugs and liquor).
ISSUE #3 – “I want to come home… and find her there just waiting to hold me.” You don’t want a girlfriend, you want a puppy with tits.
ISSUE #4 – “ all I meet are mean women” Though America has an abundance of mean women, if you’re meeting ONLY mean women, one of two things must be happening:
a) You have a perception problem that makes all women appear mean.
b) You have some weird electro-magnetic field that repels nice women.
ISSUE #5 – The possibility of psycho offspring. Your love would smother a woman. Surprisingly, healthy women prefer not to be smothered. Therefore, you can only date other crazy people. Which is bad.


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Filed under Advice, Dating

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